Navigating Grief as a Highly Functional Griever

When you lose someone close to you, like a child, the world seems to stop spinning for a while. It’s been a little over a year since I lost my son, and while some days feel like I'm just barely holding on, most days I appear to be fully functional. To the outside world, I’ve got it all together. I’m working, managing life, and taking care of responsibilities. My doctors even refer to me as a "highly functional griever," which, from a medical standpoint, is supposed to be a positive thing. But here’s the catch: I often feel guilty about it.

Being a highly functional griever has its pros and cons, and it’s not always easy to reconcile the two. There’s a part of me that feels like I’m not “supposed” to be so functional after such a tremendous loss, and yet, here I am, going through the motions of everyday life while holding onto grief in my own way.

What Does It Mean to Be a Highly Functional Griever?

For those who might not be familiar with the term, a highly functional griever is someone who, despite their profound grief, continues to maintain their responsibilities and routines. It’s like you’re grieving while still keeping all the balls in the air—working, taking care of family, managing daily tasks, and sometimes even excelling in them.

Medically, this is often seen as a sign of resilience, which doctors view positively. You’re able to keep moving forward, even in the face of deep emotional pain. However, being highly functional doesn’t mean the grief isn’t there. In fact, it’s always there, just beneath the surface, waiting for moments of quiet when it can come rushing back.

The Effects of Being "Highly Functional"

I won’t lie—there are benefits to being highly functional. For one, staying busy gives me structure. Having things to do keeps me from sinking too far into the darkness that grief often brings. It helps me feel productive, like I’m still contributing, still showing up for life, even when it feels like life has been unfair.

But at the same time, being this functional takes its toll. I sometimes feel emotionally disconnected, almost numb, as if I’m on autopilot. I’m going through the motions, but am I really processing the loss? Am I really allowing myself to feel all the layers of grief, or am I pushing them aside so I can keep functioning? These are questions that linger in my mind often.

I’ve also noticed physical effects—exhaustion from the constant push to keep going, and a heaviness in my chest that seems to settle in whenever I stop to think about my son. Grief isn’t just emotional; it’s physical too. But when you’re highly functional, it can be easy to ignore the physical toll because you’re so focused on staying productive.

The Guilt That Comes with It

One of the hardest parts about being labeled a highly functional griever is the guilt. It’s this internal conflict I carry around, a nagging feeling that I’m somehow not grieving "correctly." After all, society often expects grief to look a certain way—lots of tears, time off work, struggling to get out of bed. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of those days.

But most of the time, I’m functioning. I’m doing what needs to be done, and sometimes it feels like I’m betraying the depth of my loss by being able to go on with life.

There are moments when I question myself: Should I be falling apart more? Am I not honoring my son’s memory if I’m not visibly broken? And yet, I know grief looks different for everyone. There’s no one “right” way to grieve, but that doesn’t stop the guilt from creeping in.

Doctors tell me that being highly functional is a good thing. It means I’m coping in a healthy way, that I’m resilient. But when the guilt hits, it feels like I’m not allowing myself to fully experience the sadness and pain. It’s a constant battle between knowing that staying functional is okay and feeling like I’m not doing enough to show the world how much I’m hurting.

Grief Doesn’t Have to Look a Certain Way

If you’re a highly functional griever like me, I want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to grieve in a way that makes sense for you, even if it doesn’t fit the typical narrative. You don’t have to fall apart publicly to prove your grief is real. Grief is complex, and it manifests differently in each of us.

There are no timelines, no rules, and no guidebooks on how to handle this kind of loss. If keeping busy helps you cope, that’s okay. If you need to take time off to break down in private, that’s okay too. There’s no need to feel guilty for how you process your grief.

Finding Balance

Over time, I’ve learned that being highly functional doesn’t mean I’m not grieving deeply. It just means that I’ve found a way to keep going, even when it feels impossible. But I’m also learning to balance functionality with vulnerability. I’m allowing myself moments of stillness, moments to feel the grief without trying to hide it or push it away. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

I’ve realized that being functional doesn’t diminish the love I have for my son or the depth of my loss. It just means that I’m surviving, in the best way I know how.

If you’re navigating grief like me, give yourself grace. Whether you’re highly functional or not, your grief is valid, and you’re allowed to feel it in your own way. There’s no right or wrong way to mourn, only the way that works for you.